Dealing With Dissappointment

I’ve waited a few days to write my blog about my last marathon because I was sad from mile 6 on Sunday … through last night. And today, well today is a new day! And I’ve finally moved on and can give a less Eeyore-like recap of the race.

Training

After running this course three times before, I knew that my weak spot in the race was the 3-mile slow incline up the 163 freeway. So for this training round I incorporated hills for the first time ever. Ever! And I beat them and felt strong! The hills also came after weeks of speed training … and I was ready! For more about my hill training check out my blog “Ode to Balboa Park”.

Christina and Her New Moeben Sleeves at the Expo

Race Day

I was CONVINCED that this race, marathon #12 would be THE race that I’d break 4 hours. I was so sure of it! Although I had my own insecurities and when friends said “oh, you’ll do it!!” and I brushed them off, I knew that I was in better shape for this race than I had ever been in previous years. This was MY town. This course was known, I’d run it three times before. My previous issue was hills. And you know what? I’d beat them week after week in my training. I was READY. I was soo ready to conquer. But yet I didn’t. So disappointing.

Number 8159 For the Win!

Race Start

My friend Christina was in town to run the half marathon and we drove over to the Zoo (as locals do!) and walked the ½ mile across the park to the start line. We split at the portapotties and wished each other luck. I had arrived at the area around 6:00am knowing that my running group had met at 5:30am at corral 6. I was assigned to corral 8 and almost went right to my corral when I thought, what the heck, let’s try to find my team. I headed towards corral 6 to see if I could find my training mates. And I did!!

Me & Christina at the Race Start

I walked over to Corral 6 and saw my amazing group of Rock Running marathon training friends! We only had a few moments at this point to get ready for the start .. and then off we went! Its always so fun to start off a race – you’re one in a sea of many, all running for different reasons, all with different goals for the race, and suddenly you’re one little piece of a crowd surging ahead. It’s an incredible feeling. I love it.

The Marathon Begins

I was so excited to start the race with my Rock group and wondered in the first few miles if we’d all finish together. What an incredible photo op!! A wall of Rock Runners crossing the finish line at the same time! I’ve primarily run my marathons alone and the only other race I’ve run with company has been when David and I ran the Marine Corps Marathon in October 2009 in DC. Its fun to run with a group! But challenging .. but fun!

Our Rock group stuck together mile after mile. We cruised up through Banker’s Hill, across Hillcrest, down through Balboa Park, passed by Petco Park, headed back north through downtown .. and then.. I didn’t feel so great. I checked my watch and the group wasn’t running to fast, but I just didn’t feel right. I dismissed that feeling as anxiety and self-doubt and pushed on. We kept going for several miles and then at mile 6 I just knew something was wrong.

The Problems Begin

My stomach didn’t feel right. Don’t worry, no TMI .. but my stomach just felt knotted and hurt. It felt like someone had just punched me in the stomach after a certain point, and that was distracting. Mile after mile it felt worse. Around mile 6 we all passed a water station and I stopped to walk and get water and as I walked, my group charged on. :o( I noticed though that as soon as I walked my stomach instantly felt better. Whoah .. So I walked and ran a bit and realized I felt awful running, and okay walking.

But … I was in the middle of a marathon!!!! At mile SIX! Of T-W-E-N-T-Y S-I X!!! I felt bad and had twenty to go! I was in denial for a bit and walked/ran while I thought about it. I really did not feel good. My stomach just plain hurt. Running only made it feel worse. As I thought about it and ran and walked …. the marathon and half marathon course met and split off, and met and split off. As I continued in pain I looked over at the half marathon course and thought okay .., I should just switch over. The problem though was at this point in the race, the marathon course was several miles further along, so even if I switched over in defeat, I’d still have to cover a total of 16-18 miles. Hmmm… was that worth it?

Finding My Strength

At some point (mile 8?) I switched over to the half-marathon side of the freeway which made up the half and full marathon course. I was MISERABLE. I was in pain. I didn’t want to go on .. but knew that I couldn’t just walk off the course. Could I cut it short? Maybe. Cutting over to the half course would save me a lot of miles. I thought that was the answer … but then I walked/ran on and thought.

One thing about distance running is that you have a lot of time with yourself. In my head I was thinking OMG.. how is this happening? I’ve trained so hard! For so many months!! Why aren’t I rocking this? And then I thought WOW.. I can’t take this. I need to stop. Okay, I’ll just get out .. and then came my epiphany …

I’m a running coach. Supposedly I’m a role model. I can’t give up. I just can’t! As a coach for GOTR I’ve spent so much time trying to teach young girls that when they think they can’t go on, they really can. I ask these girls not to quit all the time!! For that reason alone, I knew I couldn’t quit. Sooo many times I had one of the girls say to me “I’m tired, I can’t run anymore!” And I’d almost always say “Okay, well can you keep moving? Can you walk? How about you walk another lap? If you can’t run just walk. And if you want me to I’ll walk with you.” And then we would.

For this reason alone, I knew I couldn’t quit. I couldn’t ask those girls to keep pushing and not keep pushing myself. So I pushed myself and continued. I switched back over to the full marathon side of the road and decided to keep going, no matter what the finish line.

The Race Changed

After accepting that I couldn’t and wouldn’t quit, the race was quite a different race emotionally. At this point it was too late to break 4 hours even if I did recover. So suddenly for the first time since my first, this race became a form of survival. Could I do it? Well it’s not like I can’t! So how will I? Okay keep going.

Distance running gives you a lot of time to be with yourself. Distance walking gives you a lot more time. I mean a lot. Its uncomfortable and interesting, and in the end there is no downside to talking to yourself, reflecting, and getting to know yourself. Its an eerie experience, and I think its one of the benefits of marathon training. If you know what I mean, you know. And I’m sure you get it. :o)

Finding God. Again and again

As I suffered through mile after mile I talked to myself, I talked to God, I talked to myself, and at a certain point I was just praying for an end to the race. I had mentioned off-hand to my friend Stacy during mile 3 that I spent the largest concentration of my life praying during a marathon. It’s true! I never pray as much as I do as when I’m doing a distance run!

During this race I spent miles and miles asking God to give me the strength to keep running. And then I came to a different place in my heart. If God couldn’t be there to push me to run, I hoped that instead he could be there to walk by my side. And that he did. Cue the tears. Because they came off and on for miles as I processed this. I don’t think I could have walked and ran through the next twenty miles without that strength. It wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t impossible. And I know I didn’t do it alone.

Approaching the Finish Line

My friend Christina was projecting to run the half around 2:25, and with our differences in corral start times, we anticipated a 1-1 ½ hour difference between our finishes. Erm … around the time that I switched courses and switched back, I though on no! Christina will be waiting for me forever! And what about David and anyone else tracking me online?? They’ll think I died on the course!!

So much later than I wanted, I entered the last few miles of the course. I had blown past my sub-4 hour goal miles ago. At this point I was nervous about coming in past 5 hours! WHAT!?! Yeah… So as the last 6 miles dwindled to 4, and 2, and 1, I slowly felt better and better. Its funny how the pain you have suffered in the past suddenly fades from your memory as you approached your finish line. Is that called strength?? Who knows. All I know is that this past Sunday as I could see the Finish line off in the distance all I could think is THANK GOD! Seriously!

The Finish, The Change

The race really changed for me over the miles. I went from wanting to crush 4 hours, to wanting to just finish. And for a seasoned marathoner, wanting to just finish was a crazy, obscure idea to me. I knew I could finish from past performances! Why could I suddenly not recognize that?

I got down to the 25 mile mark and ‘knew’ I could run that last 1.2 miles. HAHA but I couldn’t! Oh the humbling of that realization. I actually walked within that last ½ mile. Wow. As I crossed that finish line with my legs and arms pumping and a big smile on my face, I knew that I had beat a new enemy. I had beat self doubt! In previous races I had battled other issues and insecurities, but in this race I had learned something different about myself. I felt like a warrior! But a failure.

After the Race

Once the race was over I felt reality crashing in. My mind was crowded with thoughts of who had tracked me online, what was David thinking? What was poor Christina doing all of these hours while she waited for me? How was I going to admit this defeat to everyone I had told I was shooting for a 3:55 marathon? Sigh...

 After the Race - Sore and Proud

As Sunday went on (and I had to go to a work party that evening .. OMG the torture!!) and then Monday came and I went back to work and people started asking me about the race, I felt bad. I mean I really felt bad. I was sooo bummed out about my race performance.

I’m an engineer. You calculate an input for a desired output. I trained harder than I had for any RNR SD before, yet I did worse than any of 12 races before. Why? I really don’t’ know. And I dwelled on this Monday, moped a bit Tuesday …and then had facial treatments performed Tuesday evening which made me look 5 years younger, and all was well!! Jk. I did have my face treated thanks to my company on Tuesday and I did love the results.. but that’s besides the point. Yesterday I finally moved on.

Moving On

I had a number of friends send me some really nice messages over the past few days. It takes feeling like you’re on the floor the realize how much simple comments from your friends can lift you up. In the end, I’m disappointed with my performance. Do I think I could have trained harder to prevent what happened? No. Am I mad/frustrated/sad/tormented about what did happen? Yes! But can I do anything about it? No. And in the end … did good things come of it? Oh heck yeah!

After the race I had a couple of friends message me saying that I helped motivate/inspire them to enjoy running, which is a part of why they have run distances races to date. Did that make me feel good? OMG yes! I run for me and my goals and my issues and my neurosis. If I can share the good parts of what running has done for me GREAT! Double win! In the end though, I do this for me to feel good. I feel so much better though to share feelings of others feeling good. Running is amazing. If you don’t do it now, you should Distance racing will change your life, I promise.

Moving to Halfs

For now I'm going to back off the fulls for a while and focus on halfs. My next scheduled race is the San Francisco Half Marathon on July 25th. As part of the California Dreamin series if I run the San Francisco half, the Long Beach half, and the Surf City half (already ran that one, more details in my blog Surf City USA - Awesome!) I will get a special medal and jacket! Cool!

Thanks to everyone who gave me the support during my training and afterwards when I felt that I had failed. Time to move on and prepare to kick butt next time!